TRYING TO STAY "NORMAL"

I'm struggling. All the medical drama, work drama, business drama of the last eight months has taken a huge toll on me. I think what I'm finding hardest is the realization of a new "normal." Coming to grips with things not going the way I want them to go. I've always been able to manage my life, relationships, and surroundings efficiently and orderly. That is certainly no longer the case!

My friend Jen asked me what I'm learning through all of this and I think I summed it up with "I'm being forced to let go of the illusion of control." I really have no power. I can't make my child healthy. I can't get off this emotional roller coaster. I can't protect her from the world. I can't change the plan God has for us. I can't guilt God into healing her. I can't do anything. I'm utterly and completely powerless. I'm devastated, raw, reeling, numb, bereft. And at the same time I'm hopeful, prayerful, quiet and reliant.

The fortified walls that have kept my emotions safely at bay have cracked wide open. I'm a hot mess. But I have to believe God has a plan for my brokenness - to make beauty from ashes. In the future I hope to look back at this year and marvel at where it brought me personally, how it strengthened relationships and how it shaped my family for generations to come. Remind me of that the next time I explode into tears, ok?